Quote of the day:I am so good in bed that when I have sex even the
neighbors need a cigarette.
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This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please."
A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't
realize I was crowding you."
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A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods when they come across a
golden frog. They think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more
amazed when it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he is a magical
frog, and doesn't often meet other residents of the forest, but when he
does, he grants them three wishes each.
The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the forest be female.
The frog immediately grants this wish.
The rabbit, after thinking for a while, asks for a crash helmet . . . and
one appears, which he places on his head.
The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish. He asks that
all the bears in the neighboring forests be female as well. This wish is
also fulfilled.
The rabbit then wishes that he could have a motorcycle. It appears before
him, and he climbs on board and starts revving the engine.The bear
cannot believe it. He remarks to the rabbit that he has wasted two wishes.
Then, shaking his head, he makes his final wish, "I wish that all the
other bears in the world be female as well." The frog replies that it has
been done and they both turn to the rabbit for his last wish.The rabbit
thinks for a second, then revs up the engine and says,
"I wish for the bear to be gay!"
and promptly drives off as fast as he can!
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The clerk showed the man the store's most expensive perfume. "This is
called 'Perhaps'," said the sales clerk."It's $285 per ounce."
"Listen," the man shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want
something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called...
"You Can Bet Your Happy ASS You'll Get Some !!"
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A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the
register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked
the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the
register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he
didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the
counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and
said, "One box of large condoms to register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like
most of us, up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he
told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and
asked if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She
asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel,
picked up the store intercom and said, "One box of medium sized
condoms to register 5.
"A few customers back was a teenage boy. He thought what he had
witnessed was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact
with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up
to the register, he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked
him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter,
gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said,
"Clean up at register 5!"
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A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On
the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their
situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this
looks pretty grim."
"I know, father."
"In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day
or two."
"I agree."
"Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would
you do something for me?"
"Anything father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might
see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her
shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister
would you mind if I touched them?"
She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, sister?"
"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"
"I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting
a huge erection.
"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it
can give life."
"Is that true father?"
"Yes, it is, sister."
"Then why don't you stick it up that camel's ass and lets get the
hell out of here."
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5 Reasons Not To Be a Penis:
First of all, you're bald your entire life.
Second, you have a hole in your head.
Third, you live between two nuts.
Fourth, an asshole lives behind you.
Finally, when you get excited, you throw up and then you faint.
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A Little Floral Humor....
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time.
Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success
and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely
time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful
rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees
and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she
slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was
that for?" he asked. She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the
encyclopedia last night and it said `Not well suited to bedding, but is
excellent for rooting up against a garden wall."
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Bill Clinton was walking through the white house late at night with a
pair of women's underpants on his upper arm. He walks by a secret
service agent who says to him: "Mr President, you have ladies underpants
on your arm."Bill says, "I know", and proceeds to keep walking away.
The secret service agent then again says to his boss: "But Mr.President,
WHY do you have ladies underpants on your arm?" The President turns and
looks at him and says: "Its the patch, I am trying to quit."
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Remedy for the Minute Man
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided
to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his
problem.
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are
>getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a
starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home
to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.
As the two began,they found themselves in the 69 position. The man,
moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter
pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked,
"How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired
the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and
my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
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Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that
he reluctantly started to fly south. In the short time ice began to form
on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow
passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was
the end, but, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and
happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came
by and hearing the chirping investigated the sound. The cat cleared away
the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story
1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy
2. Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your
friend.
3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut...
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QUICK ONES
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.
How do you embarrass an archeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps
with everybody at the party except you.
What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling
What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
You know she'll swallow.
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
When is a pixie not a pixie?
When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's agoblin.'
What's the definition of a Yankee?
Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up ahorse's ass?
A mechanic!
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Jewish dilemma:Free PORK.
What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?
On St. Patrick's Day, everybody wishes they were Irish.
How can you tell which is the head nurse?
The one with the dirty knees.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has
the biggest tits?
The blonde, because she's 18.
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.
The three words most hated by men during sex "Are you In?"
Three words women hate to hear when having sex "Honey, I'm home!"
Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his
sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
How can you tell a macho women?
She rolls her own tampons.
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